be me, first year at Cambridge
moved into college three weeks ago
cannot sleep for shit
lie awake every night staring at the magnolia ceiling of my Stage 1 accommodation
3am, hear someone vomiting into the court fountain
still awake
show up to my 9am Anglo-Saxon supervision looking like a Victorian consumption patient
DoS asks if I'm "settling in alright"
lie through my teeth
think it's the stress, the workload, the imposter syndrome
buy melatonin from Boots
nothing
try chamomile tea like a Jane Austen character
nothing
start to suspect it's the bed
college mattress feels like a yoga mat draped over a radiator
but it's more than that
something feels wrong with the covers
too light, too free
my body floats in the duvet like an astronaut having a panic attack
ring mum
"mum what kind of blanket did I have at home"
long pause
"oh sweetheart you had a weighted blanket since you were four"
open Google
"weighted blanket"
first result: "weighted blankets are commonly used as a therapeutic tool for autistic children to provide sensory regulation"
stare at screen
think about how I lined up my Lego by colour for eleven years
think about how I've worn the same brand of socks since 2009
order a 7kg weighted blanket on Amazon Prime
arrives next day
that night I climb under it
feel like a knight being lowered into a sarcophagus
sleep for 11 hours
wake up genuinely refreshed for the first time since Michaelmas began
I don't know if I'm autistic, but I'm enjoying the best sleep of my life.