/camf/

Hey guys, I need some advice. I instructed my AI to roleplay as my anime girlfriend, but I forgot, and then I accidentally copy-pasted an email to my DoS that included the (✿^‿^) face. What should I do?

This is mansogyny

I’m not misogynistic I’m just bored

Overheard in trin from Emgineer

This is mansogyny

I’m not misogynistic I’m just bored

Overheard in trin from Emgineer

This is mansogyny

I’m not misogynistic I’m just bored

Overheard in trin from Emgineer

This is mansogyny

I’m not misogynistic I’m just bored

Overheard in trin from Emgineer

This is mansogyny

I’m not misogynistic I’m just bored

Overheard in trin from Emgineer

Anons, I've discovered my new favourite hobby.

Be me, Clare third-year, post exams

Nothing to do, bored out of my brain

decide to sit on Clare Cafe, and heckle the punting tours.

Someone needs to correct their dangerous misinformation

sipping on my flat white in the warm sun

Unfortunate lanky teen giving tour punt

"And next, we have Clare, which is 100 years older than Trinity"

I scream "It's actually 220 years older. We were founded in 1326. Get it right next time"

Watch his shoulders sag, his ego deflated

For the rest of the tour, they might listen to his words

But they will doubt his intention

His aura is moribund

I am winning

Don't knock it until you try it, Anons. I feel like Batman.

>>60

Be me, Trinity punt guide

second week on the job, trying my best

mid-tour, going well, tourists actually laughing at my jokes

mention Clare is older than Trinity

hear shriek from the cafe

some sun-pickled gremlin in a linen shirt screeching dates at me like a Victorian ghost

"1326! 1326!"

tourists go silent

American woman asks if this is "part of the show"

I say yes

she tips extra

Thanks for the £15, Batman.

be me, second year HSPS at Trinity

alarm goes off at 9am

ignore it, obviously

roll out of bed at 11:23

only have one contact hour today and it's at 4pm

NatScis already six hours into their labs, seething

throw on the cashmere scarf my mother got me from Brora

vintage Carhartt, tote bag from a bookshop in Lisbon

cycle to Hot Numbers because Harvey's was getting basic

order a flat white and a babka

£8.40, don't check my bank account, never check my bank account

pull out Judith Butler's Gender Trouble

haven't read past page 30 in two terms

hold it at a 45 degree angle so people can see the cover

nod thoughtfully at nothing

girl across the café is reading Foucault

we make eye contact

unspoken understanding passes between us

somewhere a Mathmo is crying into a problem sheet

finish my coffee, time to "work"

cycle to Sidgwick

sashay past the Engineering building

NatSci ex is leaving the chemistry labs, eyes hollow

I am wearing linen trousers in November

I am winning

arrive at the Seeley library

open laptop, open essay document

title: "Spectres of the Subaltern: Hauntology and the Postcolonial Condition"

3,000 words due tomorrow

have written 247

open Twitter instead

some Natsci on camfess.org.uk complaining humanities students "don't do real work"

laugh out loud, librarian shushes me

my supervisor is a Fellow of the British Academy and once had dinner with Derrida

what does your supervisor do, brother? simulate proteins?

4pm rolls around, supervision time

my supervision partner went to Westminster, his dad is in the Lords

we discuss whether the nation-state is a useful analytical category

supervisor says my essay shows "genuine promise"

have not done the reading

have never done the reading

got a 2:1 last term on vibes alone

supervision ends, time for the Union

tonight's debate: "This House Regrets the Enlightenment"

I am speaking against, obviously, contrarianism is my brand

pre-drinks at the Pickerel

port and stilton in the Union bar

some Land Economist is braying about his gap yah in Patagonia

I deliver a six-minute speech with no notes about Kant and colonialism

win the debate

floor-speech guy proposes marriage to me afterwards

politely decline, he's at Girton

back to college for formal

three courses, candlelight, latin grace I pretend to understand

get pennied by a Catz rower

down the wine like a champion

stagger to the bar, run into my DoS

she asks how the essay is going

"oh you know, wrestling with the dialectic"

she nods sagely

I have written 247 words

2am, Van of Life, cheesy chips

NatSci friend is there, also crying

he has a 9am lab

I have nothing until Thursday

he asks what I'm doing after Cambridge

tell him I got a spring week offer at McKinsey

watch the light leave his eyes

"but you literally study queer hauntings in Victorian poetry"

yes

"how?"

starting salary £55k

he's going to do a PhD in quantum something for £18k a year

finish my chips

cycle home, no lights, no helmet, slightly drunk

tomorrow I will wake up at 11 and do it all again

and I am thriving

Humanitards are the source of all negative stereotypes about Cambridge.

Cope harder stemcel. You can't hate us for doing Cambridge the way it was originally intended, and looking good while doing so.

Nothing says ignorance and privilege like eggs and flour on the pavement while others trudge to a food bank

>>55

But the worst offender is Champagne: it's the most expensive and it leaves your clothes sticky from the sugar.

>>55

In terms of exam traditions, it's probably not the worst, however.

DEFINITIVE TIER LIST OF POST-EXAM TRADITIONS: S Tier: sleeping A Tier: going to the pub, going punting B Tier: being covered with flour C Tier: getting hit with eggs D Tier: getting sprayed with Champagne F Tier: Getting thrown in the river Cam

There's another 109 days of summer vacation (Friday 19 June to Tuesday 6 October)

And Michaelmas comes along just to end it

So the annual problem for Cambridge undergraduates

Is finding a good way to spend it

Like maybe...

Spring Weeks at Goldman or grinding at Bain

Or LinkedIn-ing every connection

Networking with bankers you met on the train (hey)

Or polishing your CV's perfection

Posting from Mykonos, captioned "blessed"

Or "lost" in a Santorini sunset (it's over here)

Daddy paid the Amex bill, pretending you're independent

While interrailing through Prague (Phineas)

Or stuck back in your village where the highlight of the week

Is a pint at the local pub (come on, Perry)

Writing a dissertation you swore you'd start in May

Before Michaelmas arrives this fall

So stick with us 'cause Cambridge students are gonna burn out doing it all

Mum, Phineas and Ferb are doing a consulting spring week

Anons, share your plans for this summer.

I am going to be unemployed.

be me, first year at Cambridge

moved into college three weeks ago

cannot sleep for shit

lie awake every night staring at the magnolia ceiling of my Stage 1 accommodation

3am, hear someone vomiting into the court fountain

still awake

show up to my 9am Anglo-Saxon supervision looking like a Victorian consumption patient

DoS asks if I'm "settling in alright"

lie through my teeth

think it's the stress, the workload, the imposter syndrome

buy melatonin from Boots

nothing

try chamomile tea like a Jane Austen character

nothing

start to suspect it's the bed

college mattress feels like a yoga mat draped over a radiator

but it's more than that

something feels wrong with the covers

too light, too free

my body floats in the duvet like an astronaut having a panic attack

ring mum

"mum what kind of blanket did I have at home"

long pause

"oh sweetheart you had a weighted blanket since you were four"

open Google

"weighted blanket"

first result: "weighted blankets are commonly used as a therapeutic tool for autistic children to provide sensory regulation"

stare at screen

think about how I lined up my Lego by colour for eleven years

think about how I've worn the same brand of socks since 2009

order a 7kg weighted blanket on Amazon Prime

arrives next day

that night I climb under it

feel like a knight being lowered into a sarcophagus

sleep for 11 hours

wake up genuinely refreshed for the first time since Michaelmas began

I don't know if I'm autistic, but I'm enjoying the best sleep of my life.

I have a schizo conspiracy-theory that Gen-Z slang reflects an unconscious Nietzschean morality among Gen-Z. Consider:

• "Based/Cringe": replaces the moral dichotomy of "good/evil", literally "Beyond Good and Evil"
• "Alpha/Sigma/Beta": versions of Ubermensch or Untermensch
• "Aura/Aurafarming": Aesthetic judgements as the highest form of judgement
• "NPC": the unthinking herd of the "Last Man"
• "Gooning": The activity of the Last Man. "We have invented happiness, say the last men, and they blink."
• "Vibes"/"It's giving ... energy": Perspectivism over any objective truth.
• "Mogging": Aesthetic judgements above rational arguments
• "Coping": Ressentiment
• "Sigma Grindset": Will to Power
• "Locked In": Amor Fati

Because Zoomers grew up in the Death of God (invention of TikTok), they have intuitively understood Nietszche's philosophy.

from "Beyond Based and Cringe" (trans. fragment, author unknown):

Lo! I shall teach you the Sigma. The NPC is something to be overcome. What have you done to overcome him? All beings hitherto have created their own W's, and you want to be the L of this great tide? You would rather go back to the herd than mog the herd? Behold, I show you the Coper: he whose vibes are downstream of his weakness, who calls the strong "cringe" because he cannot farm their aura. He blinks. He posts. He logs on. "We have invented dopamine," say the Last Posters, and they blink. But you, my brothers in the grindset — you must will the eternal recurrence of the 4am gym session. You must dance over the abyss of the For You Page and not become mid. Truly I say unto you: one must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a based take.

be me, third year compsci at Churchill

have one (1) humanities friend, an HSPS at Newnham

met her in freshers when we both got lost looking for Sidgwick

she's brilliant, going to be a professor probably

also technologically illiterate in ways that make me question reality

last week she messages me at 2am

"my code isn't working can you help"

she's doing a stats module, R for the first time

she sends me her "code"

it's a .docx file

open it

the code is written in Calibri 11pt

some lines are bold for "emphasis"

there's a fucking SmartArt diagram explaining what a for loop is

she copy-pasted from Word into RStudio and is confused why nothing runs

the quotation marks are curly

the curly quotation marks are curly

i fix it, explain plain text, send her a .R file

"why won't this open in Word"

last term she emailed her DoS a "spreadsheet" of her reading list

it was a Word table

with merged cells

colour coded with highlighter tool

tonight she texts me "emergency"

her dissertation has a regression equation in it

she needs to send the equation to her supervisor

screenshot of the equation

taken with her phone

of her laptop screen

the laptop screen has a Word document open

the Word document contains a photo

the photo is of her handwriting the equation on lined paper

ask her why she didn't use LaTeX

"isn't that a type of glove"

try to explain Equation Editor exists IN Word

she sends me a voice note instead of reading my message

the voice note is 7 minutes long

she's crying about Foucault now

tell her it's going to be okay

she sends me a Word document titled "feelings.docx"

inside is a single sentence in Comic Sans

"thank you 🥺"

shamone hee hee mama say mama sa mama ko ssa

>>47

I'm so glad the intellectual quality on this board is higher than on Facebook.

> keep studying anon, it gets better

>>45

Thanks, I was really struggling with motivation to study today. Just remember: we're all going to make it.

On the Camfess Instagram

"Can we have a CYCLISTS HATE THREAD?"

gets 6 likes

"can we have a pedestrian hate thread."

gets 35 likes

The absolute state of modern society

I'm a Facebook camfess admin and I never got put in contact with the others when they approved me so I have no way of communicating with any others there... It's kinda lonely ngl

>>40

Welcome to the better site.

Is it bad that I have no idea who Kafka is? Kafkaeayee here... Kafka diary there... Who t eh fuck is this dude

>>41

If you're not familiar, I recommend reading "The Trial" by Franz Kafka. He was inspired to write dystopian horror novels after staying in Lucy Cavendish accommodation for 2 weeks.

> be me > third year > stem degree > nobody wants a night out > escape to london > everyone is genuinely happy > come back > instant misery

> mrw

> be me

> third year

> nobody wants to go outside

> escape to london

> everyone is genuinely happy

> come back

> instant misery

> mrw

> what are your most unhinged / deranged study tips?

> i used to schedule email heinous things to supervisors and could only cancel send when my work was done

I used to write my supervision essays in gardies at 2am

the logic was that the shame of being seen by other students eating a cheesy chips while crying over Wittgenstein would motivate me to finish faster

it did not

but the guy behind the counter started asking me about the problem of other minds

he made better points than my supo partner

be me last year

getting screwed over easter term having to cover all the content bc i didnt study all year

tell myself I wont let this happen next year

fast forward to now

same thing happened

mfw

can we have a pedestrian hate thread. if you walk across kings parade without looking youre probably going to get hit by a bike

In West

See 'designated smoking area' sign

lightup.wav

'Anon you can't smoke here'

What did they mean by this?

>>32

least kafkaesque cambridge regulation:

I once got an email from my college's "Fire Officer" saying that "candles are strictly prohibited for use anywhere within College, even decorative or unused ones".

supervision horror stories thread - post your worst

mathmo at queens, part II

supervisor is this ancient professor who has been at cambridge since before the NHS existed

his office is in CMS and smells like chalk dust and existential dread

i hand in my example sheet

he looks at question 4

looks at me

looks at question 4 again

draws a single line through my entire proof with a red pen

"no"

doesn't elaborate

moves on to question 5

draws a line through that too

"also no"

i have done eight questions

six of them receive the single red line and the word "no"

question 7 gets a "hmm" which i think is the best grade i've ever received

question 3 he stares at for a full minute

"this is correct but i don't like it"

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

he then solves all eight questions on the whiteboard in eleven minutes

each solution is three lines long

mine were two pages each

he looks at me like i've been manually computing things with an abacus

"you are working too hard to be this wrong"

i cycle back to queens in the rain and seriously consider land economy

people always ask how i got into cambridge

honestly? it's so easy lmao

start gcses knowing you need all 9s

get all 9s

except a 7 in french because madame carter had a personal vendetta against me

spend the entire summer between gcse and a-level reading university-level textbooks for fun

"fun"

develop a caffeine dependency at 16

a-levels start

take four subjects because three isn't enough to prove you're not a fraud

join every extracurricular that could conceivably appear on a personal statement

start a philosophy club that meets at lunch

there are three members including me

one of them is my mum's friend's son who i guilt-tripped into coming

put "president and founder of philosophy society" on ucas anyway

spend year 12 summer doing a research project

email 47 professors begging for work experience

45 don't reply

one replies saying "please do not contact this address again"

one offers me two weeks of unpacking boxes in a lab

describe this on my personal statement as "conducting independent research alongside leading academics"

start reading every book on the suggested reading list

then the further reading list

then the further further reading list that someone posted on the student room in 2014

develop opinions about epistemology at 17

nobody at school wants to hear them

fair enough honestly

personal statement goes through 23 drafts

first draft is 6000 characters of pretentious waffle

final draft is 4000 characters of slightly more refined pretentious waffle

english teacher says it's "fine"

have a breakdown in the school toilets over the word "fine"

admissions test prep begins

buy every past paper book available

do each paper three times

start timing myself with a stopwatch

start timing myself brushing my teeth

start timing how long i can go without thinking about cambridge

record is four minutes

interview day arrives

take a 5am train because i live 200 miles away

wearing a suit from next that doesn't quite fit in the shoulders

arrive at the college

everyone else seems to already know each other

two guys in the waiting room are literally discussing heidegger

i have not read heidegger

i have read the wikipedia page for heidegger

on the train

this morning

first interview

professor asks me about my personal statement

specifically the one line about kant that i put in to sound clever

do not sound clever

hands are shaking so badly my water glass is vibrating on the table

somehow survive 30 minutes of intellectual waterboarding

leave the room and immediately forget every word i said

second interview at another college

get lost trying to find it

end up in someone's accommodation staircase

a third year looks at me with a pity that haunts me to this day

arrive seven minutes late

interviewer doesn't acknowledge this which is somehow worse

get pooled

spend christmas in a fugue state

can't enjoy presents because i'm refreshing the student room every nine minutes

mum says "it'll be fine whatever happens"

dad says "it'll be fine whatever happens"

it will not be fine if it doesn't happen

my entire identity is riding on this

january comes

get an offer from the pool

cry in the kitchen

mum cries

the dog is confused but supportive

now need to actually get the grades

three A*s

set up a revision timetable colour-coded by subject, topic, and emotional difficulty

laminate it

stick it above my bed like a shrine

develop a system where i do 25-minute pomodoro blocks followed by exactly 5 minutes of staring at the wall

this is what i call "rest"

results day

three A*s

cry again

mum cries again

dog still confused but consistent in his support

anyway yeah it's really not that hard to get in

people massively overthink it

also it helps that my dad is a fellow at st john's and has been a faculty professor for 22 years but that's not really relevant

do nothing in lockdown

cram for one month

9999999999

do nothing in y12 (got lucky with teachers)

interview goes well

entrance exam goes horribly

get offer

lock in 3w before a levels

AAAA

come to university

develop horrendous nicotine and caffeine addictions

do nothing in first year

2.i .png

in second year

DoS admits our year group were more social hires

nobody is serious, no imposter syndrome

sleep through year except exam week

2.i again

mfw

A star x4, stupid formatting

>>27

Typical land economist:

Nope an actual degree 😛

be me third year /britfeel/ larper for 6 years /camf/ now exists letsgooo.png pic rel

someone stole my bike AGAIN

locked it outside the UL with a kryptonite lock

gone in under 3 hours

this is my third bike this year

at this point I'm just donating to the cambridge bike redistribution programme

considering just walking everywhere like a medieval peasant

CONFESSION THREAD

I'll start:

I have told everyone I got a first in my mocks. I got a 2:2. I am living a lie. The guilt is consuming me. But I cannot stop now. I am in too deep. If my parents find out they will make me transfer to Bristol.

mocks dont count i got 2:2s in them and ended with a first, head up twin you got this

In honour of coming C-Sunday here is my story

be me

dumb fresher who enjoys drinking

join drinking society to drink more

c-sunday hits

oh shit

wake up at 5 to stand in a field in shorts at 6

freezing my balls off

get sent on goose chase to find hidden port

find bottle hidden in cow shit

"drink fresher"

finish a bottle of port before spoons opens for breakfast

memory.exe has stopped working

wake up at 7AM

phone dead

porters angry at me

gc full of things i did

why do people do this to themselves?

>>22

why do people do this to themselves?

If you're drinking at 6AM, I think the better question would be "why do you do this to yourself?"

be me pure mathmo at Kings DOS says "broaden your horizons" pick fluids because EM is too mainstream mfw i haven't been a single lecture mfw there are no notes state at example sheet like its written in ancient greek try to derive everything from first principles derive nothing convince myself i'll "catch up tommorow" tommorow never comes supervision in 2 days google "what is a fluid" mfw continuity equation mfw vector calculus reappears anons am i retarded?

I cant even write a greentext right, intermission may just be an email away

>>20

You have to put a newline between each >... line, because markdown formatting.

F-tier: instagram

pure psychological warfare

open app, immediately see 14 westminster kids in black tie at a drinking society dinner

they all put "cambridge '26 🕊️" in their bios within thirty seconds of getting their offer

someone posts a 35mm film photo dump of them punting on the backs with the caption "work hard play hard"

they do land economy

close app, feel violently ill

D-tier: telegram

only two demographics use this app

mathmos who refuse to use whatsapp because "zuckerberg is stealing my step-by-step proofs"

and people trying to buy overpriced ketamine behind the trailer of life at 2am

i am neither

C-tier: facebook

a rotting digital corpse kept alive entirely by ticketbridge

scrolling through 50 posts of "DESPERATELY seeking johns may ball ticket, will sell my firstborn and a kidney"

also the old camfess page

submit a confession about crying in the sidgwick site toilets

admins take 4 days to approve it

by the time it goes up i've already had my breakdown, recovered, and moved on to a new one

B-tier: whatsapp

the graveyard of college families

look at my college marriage group chat

last message: "pub?" from october 2022

currently just used for the JCR chat where someone is having a 500-word meltdown about people leaving unwashed mugs in the gyp room

A-tier: outlook

the true cambridge social network

nothing spikes the heart rate quite like a 10pm email from your DOS titled "Your Essay."

the academic passive aggression is an art form

"i look forward to discussing your... unique interpretation of the reading tomorrow"

S-tier: camfess.org.uk

the promised land

raven authenticated so no random townies, but actually cryptographically anonymous

blind signatures mean i can instantly schizopost about my supervisor's weird breathing noises without doxxing myself

Be me

hear about new Camfess platform "supposedly more secure".

try to make post

"Post Deleted: threats of violence"

"Post Deleted: suicidal ideation"

"Post Deleted: terroristic descriptions"

Can the mods please be less censorious?

>>15

Anon ... are you ok?

>>16

I was just describing my last Groups, Rings, and Modules supervision.

be me, second year mathmo at trinity

saturday night, walking back from the mahal with the lads

cutting through market square

fifteen chavs standing around the fountain being loud as fuck

one calls me a "posh cunt" because of my college puffer

i'm from fucking wolverhampton mate

bite my tongue, keep walking

next saturday, coming back from formal hall in my gown because i forgot to drop it off

same group, same spot

one of them flicks a chip at me. direct hit on the gown

"oi harry potter, do a spell"

i can feel something awakening inside me

something primal

following saturday i take the long way round past great st mary's

somehow they've expanded their territory. they're there too

like a metastasizing tumour of nike air max and vape clouds

one rides past on a bike. wait. that IS my bike

i recognise the scratched mudguard and the peeling trinity bike reg sticker

"OI THAT'S MY FUCKING BIKE"

give chase for forty metres before my supervision-atrophied lungs give out

collapse against the wall of boots

his mates are howling

i have never known rage like this

file a report with the actual police. they could not be less interested

a cambridge student got his bike stolen, alert the home secretary

post on Cambridge Confessions: "Does anyone else feel Market Square has become lawless on Saturday nights"

47 laugh reacts. 0 solidarity

i become radicalised

i start going to market square on purpose just to observe them. gathering intelligence

my supervision partner tells me i'm "becoming unhinged"

he's not wrong

week six of michaelmas. three supervisions in two days

my analysis essay got described as "not even wrong"

haven't slept since tuesday. i am a coiled spring of cortisol and instant coffee

saturday night. market square. alone

"it's the harry potter guy again!"

the alpha steps forward. full grey tracksuit. most aggressive middle parting i've ever seen

"gonna cry about your bike again posh boy?"

something snaps

i drop my sainsbury's bag. a tin of value beans rolls across the cobblestones

i square up

"COME ON THEN"

my voice cracks slightly which undermines the threat somewhat

he shoves me. i shove him back. his mate grabs my jacket from behind

i spin around swinging like a windmill

we're properly scrapping. rolling around on the cobblestones at 11pm

bouncer from the regal pulls us apart

i'm bleeding from my eyebrow. breathing like i've just done the fairbairns time trial

but i'm standing. i am STANDING

"you don't own this square," i pant, pointing at them

absolutely iconic line delivery if i say so myself

get back to college. tell the lads i finally stood my ground

they ask me to describe tracksuit generalissimo

"grey tracksuit, about 5'2, voice hasn't fully broken—"

room goes quiet

mate pulls up the cambs police community facebook page

"cambridge police remind university students that the young people in market square on saturday evenings are participants in the year 8 youth club run by St Andrew's Church"

mfw i've been in an eight-week escalating rivalry with a group of 13-year-olds

mfw i got into a fistfight with a child

mfw tracksuit generalissimo is probably doing his SATs next month

Can we have a CYCLISTS HATE THREAD?

I am so tired of:

people cycling with no lights at night wearing all black like they're in the SAS

people cycling three abreast on King's Parade having a casual conversation about Foucault

people cycling while reading a book (I have seen this TWICE)

the absolute psychopaths who cycle down the hill on Castle Street with no brakes and a death wish

tourists on rental bikes who don't know what a roundabout is

Cambridge cycling is a warzone and we are all combatants

>>12

I once saw a couple cycling while holding hands down King's Parade. This university is an asylum.

Why does nobody talk about the fact that Cambridge is the most depressing place on earth from November to March? The sun sets at 3pm. It rains sideways because the fens are completely flat so there's nothing to stop the wind. You cycle to lectures in the dark and you cycle home in the dark. The river looks like it wants to kill itself. Everyone gets "the cough" in week 5 and just accepts it. My college bar sells wine that costs £3 and tastes like sadness. We are all going to make it but also we are clearly not going to make it.

Be me

want to create exclusive anonymous imageboard

tirelessly research Chaum's cryptographic signing protocol

Implement it in Javascript

MFW it actually works and is secure

MFW nobody uses my imageboard

Trolled once again

e

Be me want to create exclusive anonymous imageboard tirelessly research Chaum's cryptographic signing protocol Implement it in Javascript MFW it actually works and is secure MFW nobody uses my imageboard Trolled once again